Preparing For A Good End Of Life →

In this weekend’s Review section of the Wall Street Journal, Katy Butler delivers an excerpt from her new book “The Art of Dying Well: A Practical Guide to a Good End of Life” in which her shares the findings of the three years she spent “interviewing hundreds of people who have witnessed good deaths and hard ones” and “consulting top experts in end-of-life medicine.” The directives she outlines provide evidence that considering your own death (and especially before you are in the position where you “have to”) is a powerful exercise, demonstrating that “those who contemplate their aging, vulnerability and mortality often live better lives and experience better deaths than those who don’t.”

• Have a vision

• Stay in charge

• Know the trajectory of your illness

• Find your tribe and arrange caregivers

• Take command of the space

• Think of death as a rite of passage

“Don’t reduce the end of your life to a medical procedure or strip it of ceremony and humanity. Make sure you live and die as a full human being.” We couldn’t agree more, Katy, and can’t wait to read your book.

https://www.wsj.com/articles/preparing-for-a-good-end-of-life-11549643346

The Going Out In Style 2018 Gift Guide

The definitive gift guide for a stylish memorial.

A vintage Gucci vase for ashes, a Smythson Little Black Book for “what your family should know” in your absence, a red lipstick worthy of that final kiss for viewings, a paper flower that will last for months in one columbarium vestibule, a tuxedo fit to be buried in, and a Louis Vuitton garment bag for storing your last wardrobe change… just the essentials.

Happy Holidays from Going Out In Style! XO Naomi, Cassidy, Colleen, and Erin.

1. Articles of Style Shawl Tuxedo, (price upon request) 2. August “Invigilare” Ring, ($900) 3&4. Gucci Vintage Vases, (price upon request) 5. Bernard Maisner Memento Mori Notecards, ($100 for 8) 6. English Made Coffins Classic Oak Tree Coffin, (price upon request) 7. Doyle & Doyle Georgian Mourning Ring, ($3,200) 8. The Line Black Gemini Candles, ($10 for a set) 9. Smythson Little Black Book, ($60) 10. Form Atelier Mourning Stationary, (price upon request) 11. Goldengrove In Memory Of Rings, ($150) 12. The Green Vase Black Hollyhock, ($185) 13. Wu-Tang x Milk Makeup Lip Color in Thunder, ($55) 14. Louis Vuitton Garment Cover, ($2,120)

Helping With A Stylish Exit

By Steve Cronin

Gucci Cruise 2019: Rave in a Cemetery

The ever-inspiring Alessandro Michele takes over an ancient cemetery in the South of France for an epic after hours parade, which if you ask us, has all the elements for the perfect “going away party”. 

See the entire show here or browse each individual look here.

Scatter My Ashes at Disney World

“Instead of going to a grave, I go to Disney World.”

When choosing a meaningful place to scatter the ashes of a lost loved one, it is natural to pick the place that made them most happy in life.

For millions, The Happiest Place on Earth is Disney. There is magic in Cinderella’s wishing well, in the moat underneath the flying elephants of the Dumbo ride, in the lawns of the Magic Kingdom… and there are remnants of countless children-at-heart that loved these places dearly in life.

Of course, it is illegal to scatter ashes in the theme parks, but this doesn’t stop those that are determined to give their family member or friend the perfect resting place.

For Disney staff, the practice is so common that they have special vacuums to clean up the extra-fine cremation ash. (One false alarm turned out to be powdered sugar from a funnel cake!)

According to the Wall Street Journal, ashes have been scattered everywhere in the parks including off of rides (temporarily shutting them down). Most frequently of all, they have been dispersed throughout the Haunted Mansion, the 49-year-old attraction featuring an eerie old estate full of imaginary ghosts.

Not only is the scattering a cathartic and often joyful ceremony for the mourner, but Disney as a memorial site can feel perfectly fitting for the one they lost. It is a place they can continue to visit year after year, remembering laughs shared, celebrations, joy, and childlike wonder.

"Think of the happiest things. It’s the same as having wings.” -Peter Pan

Hollywood Forever: Cemetery of the Stars

Located on the same block as Paramount Pictures, Hollywood Forever is one of the oldest cemeteries in Los Angeles, and the final resting place for numerous Hollywood studio founders, actors, directors, writers, and performers from the entertainment industry. Notable industry burials include Alfred Hitchcock, Cecil B. DeMille, Judy Garland, Rudolph Valentino, and Maila Nurmi. In recent years, it has also attracted rock and rollers such as Johnny and Dee Dee Ramone, and Chris Cornell.

Despite a checkered past, this fascinating landmark has in recent years been furbished to its original splendor and is not only an active cemetery and funeral home, but a thriving and unique venue for cultural events. Summer is an especially great time to make a visit, watch a movie, or catch a concert. You can view their calendar here

http://www.hollywoodforever.com/culture

When Big Stars Choose Small Funerals by Steve Cronin

The Coffin Club

Hidden away in a small New Zealand town, a group of rebellious seniors have found a unique way to prepare for death

The Kiwi Coffin Club club began in 2010 with an idea from founding member and former palliative care nurse Katie Williams. "There is a lot of loneliness among the elderly," says Williams of her fellow retirees, "but at the coffin club people feel useful, and it is very social. We have morning tea and lunch, and music blaring." Together the members cope collectively with the realities of death and imbue their final journey with some personality at a fraction of the price of a standard coffin. 

Not only do we love the club's spirit of rebellion and doing-it-yourself... we love the sense of humor they bring to the subject. The coffin club members are having a laugh together, building community, and bringing a little levity to  the discussion of their final resting place. The idea has become so popular that clubs are now popping up all over New Zealand.

Cheers, Kiwi Coffin Club! 

Memento Mori in Art: Andre Larcev

Russian digital artist Andre Larcev creates beautiful digital art and design, but we are especially drawn to his "All Black but Gold" series. 

While falling into the rich black void Larcev builds, we grasp the gold veneer of these memento mori, both human and animal.

Larcev lives in Moscow where he works as a sound producer and designer.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature’s first green is gold, 
Her hardest hue to hold. 
Her early leaf’s a flower; 
But only so an hour. 
Then leaf subsides to leaf. 
So Eden sank to grief, 
So dawn goes down to day. 
Nothing gold can stay. 

-Robert Frost

First published in The Yale Review, October 1923

Pet Cemeteries: The Queen's Corgi Graveyard

The Queen's love affair with Pembroke Welsh Corgis began as a young girl in 1933 when "Dookie" was given as a birthday gift from her parents. On her 18th birthday she received a new corgi puppy she named Susan. So beloved was the Princess' pup,  that Susan  accompanied the newly minted Queen on her honeymoon. 

Historically, the dogs dine on filet and chicken prepared by a chef and ladled with gravy by the Queen herself.  Non-corgis are not allowed at Christmas (where each corgi gets their own stocking), and they have their own room at Buckingham Palace. 

So... it comes as no surprise that a quiet corner of Sandringham estate in Norfolk is dedicated as the final resting place of the royal corgis. Marked by tiny headstones that read "The Faithful Companion of The Queen," Susan, Sugar, and Heather all rest. They are in good company amongst other canine members of the royal family such as black lab Sandringham Brae "a gentleman amongst dogs," and cocker spaniel Sandringham Fern, a "tireless worker and mischevious charachter. "
 

Go Out to Sea and Drink My Wine

Many of us have a vision for how our loved ones will grieve us- some more specific and uncommon than others. At Going Out In Style, we can help you both craft that vision, and make sure it is set into action no matter how simple or bizarre.

Ritual and tradition in grieving takes many forms, and for the architect/surfer/inventor Harry Gesner, it will be beautifully simple.

Go out to sea and drink my wine

Gesner is an artist now in his 80s who loves sun, water, and invention. He grew his own grapes on the hillside near his Malibu home that he "smashed" and turned into wine decades ago. The sole purpose of these bottles is for his children to enjoy upon his death, out at sea where Gesner feels most at home, bobbing on a hand-made surfboard.

To learn more about the beautiful vision and dream-like houses of Harry Gesner, Vanity Fair wrote a lovely piece. 

Special thanks to Julia Sherman for a beautiful interview and look into his home in her latest book.

Atlas Obscura's 10 Iconic Cemeteries That Made Death Beautiful

Bring a blanket and make like a Victorian to your nearest rural cemetery to spend some time with the dead. At Going Out In Style, we definitely plan to. 

We fell in love with this Atlas Obscura article, "The 10 Iconic Cemeteries That Made Death Beautiful." The 19th century marked a departure from doom-and-gloom Victorian Era cemeteries to lush, garden-like havens that showcase the beauty of death. From Pere Lachaise Cemetery in Paris to Green-Wood Cemetery in Brooklyn, the article highlights the 10 most reputable cemeteries known for their rich beauty that started the "rural cemetery" movement.  Check out the article for the full story. 

Pere Lachaise Cemetery

Paris, France

Highgate Cemetery

Greater London, England

Mount Auburn Cemetery

Cambridge, Massachusetts

Laurel Hill Cemetery

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Green-Wood Cemetery

Brooklyn, New York

Mount Hope Cemetery

Rochester, New York

Spring Grove Cemetery

Cincinnati, Ohio

Elmwood Cemetery

Memphis, Tennessee

Cave Hill Cemetery

Louisville, Kentucky

Hollywood Cemetery

Richmond, Virginia 

Posthumous Homage: the NY Time's "Overlooked"

If you are a regular reader of the New York Times obituaries, you’ve probably noticed (and they’ll readily admit) that the majority of featured subjects are (mostly white) males. Seeking to balance the scales, on International Women’s Day, The Times announced the addition of a new regular column called “Overlooked.” Beginning with the stories of 15 incredible women (including Charlotte Bronte, Sylvia Plath, and Diane Arbus, as well as some perhaps lesser known, but no less interesting  ladies) it promises to catch us up on the “obituaries for [those] who left indelible marks but were nonetheless overlooked.” 

You can have a look here to read the obituaries, find out how the project came to be, and there’s even a form to nominate future candidates for the feature.. 

Memento Mori Paintings: Max Beckmann

An extinguished black candle, three tortured skulls, playing cards... Max Beckmann creates a landscape of mememto moris in  Still Life with Three Skulls to tell a dark refugee story. Matthew Rose says it best.

Max Beckmann’s Still Life with Three Skulls (1945) is more of a damning paean to the death culture of Nazi Germany than a reminder of the artist’s own death. The artist had fled Germany in 1937 for Amsterdam and the thick black outlines round the trio of cartoonish skulls, playing cards and an extinguished candle on a table echo a darkness war refugees fully understand. According to The Museum of Fine Art in Boston where this work hangs, the still life was produced during the final months of World War II. Beckmann said it was “a truly grotesque time, full to the brim with work, Nazi persecutions, bombs, hunger.”  -Matthew Rose

Max Beckmann, Still Life with Three Skulls (1945)

Laura Flook

 It was with great admiration that we sat down and discussed our favorite topics with Laura Flook. Laura is the designer of an evolving collection of clothing, accessories, three dimensional objects, and illustrative and written narratives. Her work is inspired not only by her love and knowledge of literature, music, the Victorian era, and the memorial arts, but also by her early career in the funeral industry where she literally learned to sew by suturing incisions on the bodies of the deceased.

After graduating from New York City's McAllister Institute of Funeral Service in August of 1999, Laura began working in the funeral industry which led her to realize her true calling as an embalmer. Post-Mortem Cosmetology and Restorative Art spoke to her many talents both artistic and scientific. She found the work to be rewarding, meaningful, and creatively fulfilling. After a growing discontent with the industry she had found such a profound connection with, in 2006 Laura made the choice to indefinitely leave the world of death-care. 

She now prevails in the realm of fashion, art, and beyond. 

Explore her collection, story, and poetic vision at lauraflook.com

We asked Laura to describe her "Dream Funeral" her answers are here:

---

I, laura Flook, of Somewhere OVer yonder, being of adequate blood sugar, sound mind and erratic memory, do hereby claim all of the former and following grammatical, spelling and typographical errors to be of my own. 

Location of funeral service

 I actually do not want a funeral service. When i was a teenager, I always declared “i want to be propped up in a chair in the corner of my apartment with a drink and a cigarette.. surrounded by friends.."  but that was before i knew what exactly that would physically entail~ and at the time, i did not even have enough friends to visibly surround me, so in retrospect,  had i died years ago and my last wishes were legally approved and miraculously respected, i imagine that might have been somewhat awkward… two or three people feeling obligated to spend time in a close-quartered, music-filled, party-themed room with my ACTION-POSED corpse. . though primARily, it’s the embalming and heavy leak-proofing measures that would be required to entertain such a display that made me quickly dismiss the idea altogether. 

I don’t like being physically handled by people i don’t know. A lot of people argue - “BUT what does it matter? You’ll be dead!”.. the same could be reasoned by a necropheliac. It still doesn’t make the thought of being touched by a stranger any more comforting—THAT Said, i SHOULD clarify - i do NOT anticipate anyone’s remote desire to roger my remains.  ALSO-The proliferation of camera-phones and instant publishing access to the INTERNET does not put me at ease. Despite the illegality of the matter, dignity and respect for the deceased (along with their families) goes beYONd concealing their eyes in an instagram photo with a black rectangle. Sadly, There are a few, truly despicable types within the medical and funerary professions who sacrifice the privacy of others to promote their "brand" and social media stardom with shocking images-all under the weak-justification of "education" and "science". It's awful, but that's reality. 

Buried or cremated
Direct Cremation. The faster i am no longer whole, the better. 

Open or closed casket or__
No casket. 

I will be wearing__
Bacteria.. and depending on the amount of time I was dead before my body was discovered and where i died, possibly larvae/maggots and/or dental impressions.

Music will be playing
In the event that i AM mentally present after death, for safe measure - i would like to request Cristina’s recorded perversion of Peggy Lee’s “Is that All there Is?” playing for me on the way to the Crematory..on a loop.. Hopefully the ride will not be long, but at least the person driving me there will have a laugh. 

I would like __type of flowers
Flowers are forbidden. 

My prized possession __goes to__
My will is a surprise and subject to change.

My ultimate sendoff
If i have the ability, energy and timely-foresight to plan ahead, i would ultimately prefer a “FUNERAL SHOWER” to an actual Funeral. or..A “GOING OUT” Party, if you like. Funerals are for the living - not the dead. I hate the idea of people gathering and discussing me when i’m not around-IN LIFE - why in Washington Square would i want to arrange such an event that FEATURES the very things i detest - in death?

I want to be alert and preseNt for my sendoff so i can actually enjoy it. Instead of people showering me with gifts and cards, I can be Santa Claus for a day and bequeath my possessions IN PERSON-to my guests, enjoy the company of my friends, share memories AND allow me a definitive opportunity to tell those i care for how much i appreciate them and how they have personally impacted my life -It will also give my friends the chance to say anything they wish and not have any regret later over words unspoken. As for aesthetic, it will be a smallish, dimly-lit, invite-only  (NO entry for opportunistic acquaintances and faux-friends) gathering at my home. There WILL be LOTS Of alcohol. A self-curated play-list of songs and sounds will be amplified. A photo-slideshow i’ve pre-prepared of images i fancy will be projected on a large screen or wall. There will be a buffet comprised of various snacks i became addicted to in life for periods of time.  If i have no corporally-present animal companions at the time, i desire a gaggle of comfort-raccoons to join us and I want the room to smell like Fruity Pebbles.  

How I would like to be__memorialized
By those i love? Fondly, i hope!.. but it’s okay if they stand around a burning effigy and curse me for ever prowling the planet.  i really don’t expect a blessed thing, but I WOULD like to arrange some sort of SCAVENger hunt -to be carried out in my absence -  when/AFTER I actually die - in LIEU of a traditional funeral. I am a big fan of Scooby Doo, cold case files and crime documentaries. I would give a list of clues to each guest at my Funeral Shower and they can make a night of it together once i’m dead and have a jolly mystery adventure! 

I’d like to be remembered for__
Being AMAZING. i’m kidding. i don’t know. for TRYING my best, maybe?  Yeah. THat sounds more reasonable.

Funeral Pyre

If you have the Viking desire for your body to be open-air cremated on a funeral pyre, hopefully you are lucky enough to live in Crestone, Colorado. Though the death ritual dates back to ancient times and is still practiced today by Buddhist and Hindu religions, it is considered taboo in the United States. 

The only funeral pyre in the US is located at the foot of the the Sangre De Cristo mountain range  as part of the Crestone End-of-Life Project. CEOLP cares for the bodies of community members and their families regardless of religion. They see death as a gate and work with families, honoring their experience. They claim no knowledge of death and "simply serve the mystery." 

Finding the site is not difficult in the small town of Crestone. A metal sign (made by a local potato farmer that also happens to be the coroner) with a flame and the word "PYRE" leads the way . The pyre itself- a grate that rests atop two slabs of white concrete- sits on a bed of sand and  is circled by bamboo wall. 

At the ceremony, the body of the deceased is wrapped in a linen sheet and surrounded by juniper branches family and friends place around the shrouded body. The torch lights the fire and the sweet smell of juniper fills the air as community circle the fire, sometimes in silence and sometimes in song. 

The CEOLP is part of Informed Final Choices, a group that believes that death is a sacred celebration. Their description of the funeral pyre ceremony: Imagine the community gathering to see the body of the beloved, wrapped in a chosen shroud, as it is placed on a pyre and covered with boughs, and with candles and items from the life of the deceased with sweets and wishes spoken or silent, a family member lighting the pyre as flames reach skyward to return the covering of the spirit to the realm of spirit, as all things return to their essence, just as rain nourishes the earth and then rises in evaporation.

Natural Pet Burial

The natural burial movement is not just for humans! 

If you have suffered the loss of a pet you may have gone through the often unpleasant experience of pet cremation and remains disposal. From mass cremation to plastic baggies of ashes... the process can feel impersonal and undignified. Not what your furry (or scaled or feathered) best bud deserved. 

For those that would prefer to bury a pet naturally, Paw Pods are a 100% green, sustainable and biodegradable option.  Their natural boxes and urns are made from bamboo powder and rice husk and come in lots of different sizes- even fish pods.

Paint a memory or pet's name in black Japanese ink, add a favorite toy inside, and bury in a meaningful place. Each pod comes with a seeded wildflower leaf that can be buried with it to serve as a living memorial.

Paw Pods' founder Ben Riggins had a mission to provide a better way for pets to come home, whether they will be buried or cremated. “Unlike so many ‘pet caskets,’ I wanted sturdy, strong construction – not flimsy paper.”

Paw Pods offers six pod sizes and range in price from $10 to $200 depending on size.

For more natural pet burial pods  see The Forever Spot for all natural, plantable burial shrouds that help to cleanse your pet's body of environmental toxins and generate new life around the burial site. 

Stomp The Yard

Professional pallbearers can be hired to dance your loved one's casket to the grave, an uplifting service that exemplifies the celebration of that person's life. This movement started in Africa, primarily in Ghana, where funerals are big events that span at least three days long but has recently made its way into the US. It is a true celebration of a loved one’s life.

This isn't just a few guys busting out any old dance moves.  These dances are choreographed to specific songs and the pallbearers are typically dressed in chic attire with top hats, gloves... the works. In fact, in the US this has become what an article on ABC News calls it “The White Glove Service” and “demonstrates the highest level of respect for the deceased."  It brings joy to families in a time of sadness and makes mourning more of a celebratory event. A BBC News article said, “Families are increasingly paying for their services to send their loved ones off in style,"  a trend that is right up our alley here at Going Out In Style.